I once received this email from a counselor. It brings up a valid point regarding what we should and should not tolerate from our children.
"I got the youngster to the point of talking more about her unhappiness with things like homework and chores, rather than staying silent and not doing them. Her mother, however, considers this "mouthy" behavior and has made it so tough on the girl that she's back to her silent behavior of doing absolutely nothing. She's now failing everything. It's like honesty is being punished."
I've always preferred a youngster complain about things like homework or chores, as it infers at least some responsibility for them ("I would do them if... "). Any counselor or therapist will tell you that the toughest youngster to work with is the one who WON'T talk. Put another way, a little "mouthiness" could be a starting point. Unfortunately, not all adults see it that way.
"Reasonable" is Relative
What is reasonable in terms of expectations of a child or teen, of course, depends upon who is defining it, the youngster or the adult. Even then, you have a strong chance of seeing it work pretty well at school, where, of all the teachers available, you'll often see one or two who struggle very little with the defiant and noncompliant student. These teachers stand out in their approach with this student because they have successfully implemented what the student views as "reasonable" and "fair." These two characteristics can lead to more production with less stress.
And, if we can keep them talking to us, that is a bonus.
At home, however, where the friction between ONE child and ONE parent can build and build, the picture can be dramatically different. (Haven't we all "been there" at one time or another?) It can lead to precisely what this counselor describes. If there's no room for a child to EVER complain, the behavior can go underground. Result: A silent attack that can drive a parent to medication.
Mary and Mom
Mary's mom wants Mary to do her homework immediately when she gets home. Mary resists, claiming her concentration (especially for homework) is not the best when she first comes home. Mom could insist, but Mary could bomb on the homework.
There's really no winner in this battle, is there?
Could Mary's attitude in the way she addresses her mother grate on Mom's overstressed nerves? Absolutely! But it is Mom who can settle things down and turn the situation around.
"Mary, I understand; we're all pretty tired and cranky when we first get home. But I'm afraid if you don't do your homework right away, it won't get done at all. So what is YOUR solution, Mary?"
Let's say Mary says she'd like to have a snack and just "chill" for half an hour, and then she'd do her homework. Why not give her a chance to do just that? Wouldn't any youngster be more apt to keep a bargain they suggested?
Besides, it would make for a much more pleasant evening, right? ###
A nationally recognized child and adolescent psychologist and speaker, Dr. James Sutton is the author of The Changing Behavior Book: A Fresh Approach to the Difficult Child. He is the founder and host of The Changing Behavior Network, a popular internet radio program supporting young people and their families, and every month he publishes The Changing Behavior Digest, offering tips on managing difficult children and teens. Both resources (and others) are available at no cost through his website, http://www.DocSpeak.com.
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